TO MY COUSINS

TUMI (me)

Last year I lost my dad, nothing seemed easy I saw the world crushing down on me I couldn’t help it but just cry and wishing could have done something to help my dad. I woke up and never saw any reason for being awake; whenever somebody asked how I was doing I couldn’t answer them either because it didn’t know I felt at that time. When you have lost someone you were so close to and really loved it’s never easy to get over the fact that you never going to see them around the house, you will never see them smiling or talking to you again. Nothing seems fair either, you will ask yourself this questions over and over again “why him of all people, where was I when he took his last breath, how did it happen, God is it fair, why us and how are we going to live without him around?” You will wish for so many things in day you will never realise it,” I wish I could have done something, I should have been the one died at least, he deserved to live more than anyone, he was such a good person and wish he could have lived longer, wish I could have been somebody else and you will hope, regret and feel all kinds of emotions.  It’s like they have just disappeared out of thin air. When the reality sinks in slow but showily you start realising they are really gone. When I saw my dad car just packed there for days without moving, when I felt I should call dad because he always made me laugh, when I felt that when I cook the plates where so less on the table and one plate was missing, when I came home from work and found out that no one is sitting on the desktop checking his emails and finishing his work, when I was not feeling well and nobody would carry me to bed or  slept on the couch, when I stayed home for the whole weekend without travelling/ going for adventure somewhere in the bush. When no one told me not to worry about anything because my future is financially stable, when I failed to something and he would just offer to do it for me, when I woke in the morning and nobody would ask me to start the car so it can warm, check the oil and wash the windscreen, and just wipe of the dust on the car, when I spend the whole week without hearing any jokes or laughter around the house.

 That when I knew he was gone forever, and life will not be the same again I had to grew up from this 20 something year old daddy little girl to such a strong, independent lady that I thought I would never be anytime soon. I had to because my little sisters where looking up to me when I cried they did cry, when I woke in the morning and sit down all day crying they did the same, when I smiled and laughed at what my dad use to say that when they knew the future was bright. I stopped worrying and got up to be the man of the house, I was never ready to take that stand because I was never prepared for it, and I never imagined my world without dad. My future had dad, I pictured dad taking me down the aisle on my wedding day, I pictured him taking my kids for all the adventures he took us to,  I pictured him  teaching his grand children how to fix or service a car DIY like he said. We were only ladies but he treated us like ‘she-males’ he used to say. He allowed us to be his little girls and also be one of his boys. I remember when he said “Since God didn’t give me boys, then I will train my girls to be like boys” he meant every word. He also allowed us to be girls or angels, princesses he used to call us. On weekends he would say boys lets go for an adventure, he would drive through the bush and we would just explore nature, just to get out the city for a while. We ate wild berries, see all kinds of wild animals, he would teach us how he used to climb trees as a small boy, and he would tell jokes and we would laugh so much until we get sick or stomach pains and that didn’t stop him from saying all those funny stories from the past. When we got back home he would put on loud music and sing along while he was driving he would dance, and sing along at the same time. Being so tired from all the fun we had at the bush I would just be sitting at the back of the van and looking at him through the mirror and just ask myself where does he gets all the energy and just thank God for giving me such a great dad and just laugh at his dancing and singing. He would ask us to dance and sing along with him and promised he will get us pizza on the way home.

Now we just say all this like folktales, he wouldn’t want to see us miserable all day and stopped living our lives. He wants to see us smiling and laughing again. He always wanted to see us happy and loving life like he did. My dad never lets anything get him down, bad or good day there is nothing like that… he would say “there is nothing like a bad day; because bad day gives you experience and able to learn something about yourself and good day gives you happiness.” The way he lived his life is the way he would want us to do exactly the same and even more. He taught us a lot and we never realised it until he was gone. He gave us all the love, so passed the love to out cousins, friends, neighbours and everyone around us. When other dads asked how he raises us he would just say I “I don’t raise a child I teach my kid to raise one another” people never got that but we did. He taught me and Patricia everything he wanted us to know so we can teach my other two little sisters, that way he would not repeat the same thing. Even though we made our few changes it was never wrong. We treasured ever moment we had with dad, he made us to be strong and we now look forward to the future with a smile and knowing that no matter what challenges we face in life always stay positive “storms don’t last forever” I quote. We will always remember him, and he build such a strong loving relationship with lot of people and they are now looking at us and make bets when they see us around “I bet those are Mr Tabona’s daughters” they say because they see dad in us. I can also look at my sister and say “damn there goes dad again” strong, positive, independent and full of life.

All I am trying to say to you guys is losing your dad is never easy but making the best of what he taught you is the greatest thing you could do for him. Grieving has stages but when you finally realise that, indeed you are on the healing process you will cry, laugh and finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. You would do things like he watching you, you will laugh smile like he was there with you. Whenever you feel so down because it will happen at some point, or feel like you not looking forward for tomorrow without your dad know that it is part of healing all you have to do is to have self-discipline. Tell yourselves that no matter what I will bet through this, there are friends you can talk to, relatives, cousins who can always be there for you when you need then, but they will be times when you just want to shut that door and be left alone but do not shut is forever it is part of healing process. Whenever somebody ask me how did I make it this far, or how did I finally come into terms that I lost my dad forever I just tell them “I may have lost him but I know he is up there looking at me and he wants to see me this happy and living life to the fullest.”

I love you guys

Bettina T Tabona